Perfect moment #1

Today, I felt that perfect moment of heaven on earth within the human paradigm. Until yesterday my life was stagnant, seriously! I have been in a role for four years with no promotion and there have been no signs of movement in other roles backed by that promotion opportunity. I have zero bank balance, literally. All the money I make, goes. Somewhere. Very often, I say to myself, "I need a break," from the plateau position.

This morning, I received an email from a friend where Canadian migration will open up on May 1 and my profession will be listed among the "skilled workers" they are seeking. My IELTS results are valid until May 26 which is brilliant. When I left US in 2001 after a short stint of one year, I remember telling myself, "I will come back with something I love to do." Could this actually be coming true?

I finish 5 years in IBM on May 14, which is fantastic. One of my friend's friend, SS, is going to check up on what happened at Penguin where he has submitted my synopsis and excerpts for their green light to publish. I really hope I don't have to seek other publishers; Penguin would simply take my manuscript and publish my work of heart in December 2014. By the time the book is out and marketed next year, can I see my application for immigration being approved and moving to Canada in May of next year?

Could the universe build in all these brilliant pieces one after the other seamlessly, I wondered! 

In that contemplation I found my perfect moment of heaven on earth: the feasibility of these aspirations fall in line that I want to say Tathastu to.

'Reverse engineering' of nurture

A piece of coincidence can become one's momentary realization of empathy. The adjacent picture from Humans of New York blog was one such for me. My aai (grand mum) takes a lot of pills, probably a dozen a day. She has everything under the sun: asthma, diabetes... okay probably not all. The thing is, the adjacent picture made me feel good about the fact that aai isn't alone and there are others like her who need pills to survive.

As a 20-something grandson I had no idea but as a 30-something grandson I have become more aware. It  started two years ago when she experienced some shivers and I started getting used to some medical terminologies such as s. creatinine. Turns out, it is not good for the kidneys when s. creatinine spikes and her values had reached 2.9 which are very high.

When I say, she probably has it all, I don't mean to be a cynic. But over the past two years, we have met a nephrologist to manage the s. creatinine component, done CT scans of thorax, abdomen, pelvis to investigate potential blood loss and drop of haemoglobin, CT scans of chest for her asthma condition, MRI scans of the brain because she had headaches, chest X rays, two blood transfusions amounting to a total of 7 bottles. I have also escorted her in an ambulance with the siren buzzing for one of her chest reports.

I stand in admiration of her grit, for all the nerves that have now gone weak, she hardly complains. I remember a moment looking at her face on a hospital bed where she looked exhausted but deep in sleep. She seemed content, accomplished and I found myself wishing that's how she should go - in peace - when her time eventually comes.

It was while attending to her at the hospital that I discovered a few means to pass my time. I bought my camera along and clicked bird photos around the hospital that I titled 'Aaitribute'. These photos shall always remind me of my time with her.

Sometimes when the going gets rough, I want to thank God that mom and dad have maintained decent health except for a couple of instances when we were completely panic-stricken.

I realize, these episodes of hospital visits, has made me stronger. Two years ago, I would probably say, "Holy fuck!" but today I am calm and evaluating what the next steps should be and the way forward. Today, I don't think 'fighting for survival' is as heroic as we humans make it out to be. 'Surrender to death' is an absolute legitimate, natural choice. It doesn't mean you ain't a fighter any more, it is simply one's way of saying, 'enough now'.

I have been reading Devdutt Pattnaik's tales of Shiva and Vishnu and they bring me some spiritual relief. It has made acceptance of death very natural to me. I remember his words where he says human beings have imagination, unlike animals. It is apparent because we humans are the only lot in nature who take care of their old. Isn't it? We are probably the only ones who have learned the 'reverse engineering' in nurture.

Regina Brett said, "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." It is true. I may go through certain stress at times because nurture can consume you completely but I cannot imagine the lives of refugees or war stricken Afganistan. I am simply glad, that aai can use the best medical attention we can provide.

We met a well known gastroenterologist yesterday, Dr. Parimal Lavate. Her blood loss still remains undiagnosed even after endoscopy, colonoscopy, CT scans of abdomen and pelvis etc. So, after yesterday's meeting we are required to do a capsule endoscopy which may most likely show a cause for loss in her small intestine. The capsule comes with a camera which has to be eaten and then goes through the entire digestive cycle until call of nature of the next day. Hasn't medicine become fancy? I am like, WOW!

That said, aai is feeling better. She cannot walk around too much because the low haemoglobin gives her breathlessness.  But otherwise she is swell and I pray to God she continues to be so - FOREVER!!