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| This darling walked for her uncle, partly parading on his shoulders |
A couple of months back, I said to myself “may be, I will walk the gay pride parade soon” in support of a society that’s more inclusive and accepting of diversities and equal rights of marriage and adoption to the LGBT community. It was a subconscious thought that emerged in a very tranquil state of contemplation, probably an outcome of what life has been around me a few years now.
Back in 2008, I remember having breakfast at Airlines and Arvind was somewhere close by. He came up to me and said “You should come, da!” in his very casual, chilled demeanor. Whatever I know of him, he has always been like that except for the times he laughs (which is straight from the gut and the whole of his heart seems to push the laughter energy on the outside). Its so honest and happy. And also apart from the times he is discussing gay rights with anyone (when he puts on a very serious, no-nonsense and means-absolute-business face). He is the one person, I have heard, who has refused to attend weddings of his friends just because the LGBT community doesn’t share an equal right. He is probably the one who I owe my very limited knowledge of section 377 in the IPC.
I gave his idea an equally casual thought and said something to myself which would be very inappropriate to state here. Lets just say I had a certain ‘attitude’ about the entire ‘pride walk’ business and more so of the entire philosophy of “acceptance”. I dismissed the idea.
I can recollect an incident from past at work. My boss had written me off in an appraisal discussion so badly that I could have been contending for “under performer of the year” award. Technically she rated me 3/6 which is above average and I demanded an explanation of why not 2/6? She retaliated saying “I feel so” and when I didn’t buy her “feeling”, scathing appraisal feedback. I forwarded the same feedback to my super boss, Sarah, who is one of the finest people I have met in my life. She let my boss know that the feedback is not in right spirit and does not resonate with the work culture at Accenture. It is not “accepted behavior” to share feedback that is biased with criticism and not constructive (without instances of performance lapses or explaining what could have been done better).
So, in today’s date I see at “acceptance” in a different light. No matter what your personal agendas or biases may be, at any workplace there is an “accepted” code of conduct which, among others, includes equal opportunity to all individuals irrespective of caste, creed, race, culture, sexual orientation or gender expression. Extrapolate this idea of equal opportunity to a society and that is what probably the first pride march of Bangalore 2008 must have aimed to do: Let the society know of a LGBT community that exists and be more “accepting” of it. Fortunately, an year later, the Delhi high court very much like super boss Sarah sent a strong message to the Indian society at large by reading down section 377, which said “as long as the sex is consenting and both are adults, its nobody else’s fucking business.” Period. Although, it makes me think, lesbians should have been accepted in the society even when 377 was in force (377 is an anti-sodomy law), no?
Over time from the 20s to 30s, I have grown. Listened to people, read stories. I have sat with people over coffee just hear them speak. I am very decent listener, I would like to believe. Only to people who can make interesting conversations. And all these stories seem to be coming back to me this year.
Earlier this year, I met a very sweet, charming infant merely six months old. My only interface with her was when I lifted and flung her into the sky, she giggled and settled in my arms every 3 seconds. Two months later she was diagnosed with wilms’ tumor. She turned an year older later this year and even before she has learnt to speak, she is fighting. She doesn’t even realize she undergoing chemo to survive. True story.
Earlier in 2010, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. When the biggest let down of my life was a job I hated to go to everyday, there was a friend in the age box of 30-33 fighting a disease that could have killed her. I follow her blog as much as I can and as far as I remember, the three things she tried to do everyday was “Live. Love. Laugh.” She probably continues to do so even today, I presume, with a lot more heart than anyone I know. This year she kicked cancer’s ass. True story.
I have known of stories of personal loss. Of a loved one, somebody’s parent, somebody’s child and somebody’s spouse. Some with prolonged illness while some were lost within 24 hours to a heart attack or brain aneurism. Years spent in loving companionship and someday they just become memories instead of more coveted moments. What I am trying to say is, you are never going to know what life throws at you. If today I can get up and jog every morning, eat good food and have a pleasant peaceful day at work, it is a good enough reason for me to be happy.
I have never been worried of death (not that I know of consciously), but these days I quite assess whether I am living each day to the best I can? Am I marching into a career that I foresee for me? Am I making time for family? Am I making attempts to make the world around me better? I try to work each day towards an answer that brings me a certain amount "yes or may be". I eat my fruits and vegetables consciously (broccoli at least once a week) to tell myself I am doing everything right! But who really knows of tomorrow? So in summary, I have become a DOER. Less talk, more action.
So this year, I started doing small charities consciously. The Japan relief fund, ResQ shelter for dogs, an ailing child and so forth. I buy dog food to the two street dogs that dwell outside my sister’s house. Whatever I can manage to do, which I wouldn’t have considered in earlier years. I took my mum out on a vacation in March and recently my grand mum in November classified as my attempts to spend time with my loved ones. So in all these things I was doing, somewhere middle of this year I said “May be I should walk the Pride march someday soon” for a reformed social condition. One of the success philosophy that I have been super impressed with is of Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said blah blah blah and “to leave the world better with a garden patch, a healthy child or a redeemed social condition. To know that one life breathed easier because you lived is to have succeeded.” We as individuals choose the battles we want to fight, not everybody can do everything. So, may be equal rights to the LGBT community is my chosen one. Not like a vehement activist but more like a supporter trying to do whatever best is possible for me to do. Simply walking with a whole lot of people was the simplest thing I could do.
Of the stories I have stated above, I find one striking similarity between all. All of these families were embraced in love. Some married college sweethearts, for some love was arranged. Some of them were mother-earth-reincarnate while some kids were simply outstanding. It was apparent. When love exists, it sends a vibe in space. People can sense it. Marriage to most of them was easy because it came within the conventional norms of society: between a man and a woman.
As kids the only romantic stories we have known are of Snow Whites and Cinderellas with their respective princes. Nobody really tells you that sometimes ‘cinderella’ likes a ‘snow white’. We learnt of Alexander the Great, but not his romantic liaisons with some of the ‘dudes’ in our history text.
But today, if we see around the world there are enough testimonies that attraction is not necessarily a phenomenon between opposite genders. And I really mean see with open eyes. Fairly tales are based on the premise of attraction! Why isn’t Shrek otherwise called a fairy tale? Or is it? Every month across different nations of the world, newspapers run stories: Same sex couple waits to get married in Argentina, or Indian woman delivers a surrogate baby to Israeli gay couple. Netherlands, Belgium, Canada opened up their minds to the institution of “marriage” much earlier. However today even in the western progressive countries, we see couples having spent decades together wait their chance for a legal marriage license! In what world is this equal?
Lets face it, marriage beyond companionship has its collateral perks of financial security. Its partnership to a lot of young couples today who want to have a home of their own (share home loans). A spouse has a particular entitlement in inheritance, insurance, mediclaim among other things. In an emergency situation, one is asked “relationship to the patient?”. A friend and his boyfriend have been together for eight years, longer than some of the modern day marriages even in India. And in a very committed, non-open sort of way. (Not that I judge open relationships, but just saying). God forbid but what happens to a couple that do not have a marriage license and life throws some unpleasant surprises at them? What if a spouse in the same sex couples wants to take a break from work, adopt and raise a baby? What if a couple in love wants to be married and move to another country altogether? Our country has no provisions for same sex couples. Irrespective of what the world may think of George Michael, I saw an episode on Oprah where he discussed of being with his partner during the “sickness” phase of their lives. (His then boyfriend was suffering from HIV). I think its commendable in a relationship to do the entire “in health and in sickness” walk. But not every couple is a pop star with mansions! A lot are mere mortals who work through each day finding happiness like a lot of other mere mortals.
Unfortunately, there is part of the human species that’s challenging the high court verdict with petitions condemning “consensual sex between same sex adults” as an act against nature. Now what on freaking earth is so unnatural about two people wanting to kiss, show affection or experience carnal pleasures? Attraction in its very premise is innate, primitive. It is a phenomenon inspired from within. It is beyond my comprehension why somebody would want to poke in a “moral ethics” code by filing petition of a sexual act that is absolutely irrelevant to them? And more so in their view immoral to the societies that we exist in? What impresses me though, is against all these adversities people stand up for who they are or want to be, who they choose to love and demand they be recognized by law.
That’s where Arvind is making a difference. I mean he and a lot of other lawyers, social workers and counsellors. But he is the one I know closely and therefore he, to me, is the one who is responsible for bringing about a redeemed social condition of equal rights to the LGBT community. I chatted up with him a day before the pride and asked,
“So, Arvind, what are people walking for?”
He laughed and said “Well, now with the petitions the matter is going to the supreme court so there are only discussions around what are the demands of the community but no consensus yet.” He continued to say that some mothers are being very forward and demanding marriage rights for their sons. One mother said "We cant lag behind now. We need to keep at par with what's happening around the world. My son should have the right to be married."
I laughed with a "how fascinating" expression! Now I am aware that not all in the community want to be married or adopt. On a very honest note, I care a damn about what people (irrespective of their sexual orientation) all over the world do in their bedrooms; be that swingers, orgies or BDSM. To each their own and rightly so. However I admire all those who wish to celebrate their love in the form of a marriage; who wish to share their love by starting a family and raise kids!. In the pride march, I bumped into a couple who wanted to adopt a child and another one who wanted to be married!
Back in 2008, I remember having breakfast at Airlines and Arvind was somewhere close by. He came up to me and said “You should come, da!” in his very casual, chilled demeanor. Whatever I know of him, he has always been like that except for the times he laughs (which is straight from the gut and the whole of his heart seems to push the laughter energy on the outside). Its so honest and happy. And also apart from the times he is discussing gay rights with anyone (when he puts on a very serious, no-nonsense and means-absolute-business face). He is the one person, I have heard, who has refused to attend weddings of his friends just because the LGBT community doesn’t share an equal right. He is probably the one who I owe my very limited knowledge of section 377 in the IPC.
I gave his idea an equally casual thought and said something to myself which would be very inappropriate to state here. Lets just say I had a certain ‘attitude’ about the entire ‘pride walk’ business and more so of the entire philosophy of “acceptance”. I dismissed the idea.
I can recollect an incident from past at work. My boss had written me off in an appraisal discussion so badly that I could have been contending for “under performer of the year” award. Technically she rated me 3/6 which is above average and I demanded an explanation of why not 2/6? She retaliated saying “I feel so” and when I didn’t buy her “feeling”, scathing appraisal feedback. I forwarded the same feedback to my super boss, Sarah, who is one of the finest people I have met in my life. She let my boss know that the feedback is not in right spirit and does not resonate with the work culture at Accenture. It is not “accepted behavior” to share feedback that is biased with criticism and not constructive (without instances of performance lapses or explaining what could have been done better).
So, in today’s date I see at “acceptance” in a different light. No matter what your personal agendas or biases may be, at any workplace there is an “accepted” code of conduct which, among others, includes equal opportunity to all individuals irrespective of caste, creed, race, culture, sexual orientation or gender expression. Extrapolate this idea of equal opportunity to a society and that is what probably the first pride march of Bangalore 2008 must have aimed to do: Let the society know of a LGBT community that exists and be more “accepting” of it. Fortunately, an year later, the Delhi high court very much like super boss Sarah sent a strong message to the Indian society at large by reading down section 377, which said “as long as the sex is consenting and both are adults, its nobody else’s fucking business.” Period. Although, it makes me think, lesbians should have been accepted in the society even when 377 was in force (377 is an anti-sodomy law), no?
Over time from the 20s to 30s, I have grown. Listened to people, read stories. I have sat with people over coffee just hear them speak. I am very decent listener, I would like to believe. Only to people who can make interesting conversations. And all these stories seem to be coming back to me this year.
Earlier this year, I met a very sweet, charming infant merely six months old. My only interface with her was when I lifted and flung her into the sky, she giggled and settled in my arms every 3 seconds. Two months later she was diagnosed with wilms’ tumor. She turned an year older later this year and even before she has learnt to speak, she is fighting. She doesn’t even realize she undergoing chemo to survive. True story.
Earlier in 2010, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. When the biggest let down of my life was a job I hated to go to everyday, there was a friend in the age box of 30-33 fighting a disease that could have killed her. I follow her blog as much as I can and as far as I remember, the three things she tried to do everyday was “Live. Love. Laugh.” She probably continues to do so even today, I presume, with a lot more heart than anyone I know. This year she kicked cancer’s ass. True story.
I have known of stories of personal loss. Of a loved one, somebody’s parent, somebody’s child and somebody’s spouse. Some with prolonged illness while some were lost within 24 hours to a heart attack or brain aneurism. Years spent in loving companionship and someday they just become memories instead of more coveted moments. What I am trying to say is, you are never going to know what life throws at you. If today I can get up and jog every morning, eat good food and have a pleasant peaceful day at work, it is a good enough reason for me to be happy.
I have never been worried of death (not that I know of consciously), but these days I quite assess whether I am living each day to the best I can? Am I marching into a career that I foresee for me? Am I making time for family? Am I making attempts to make the world around me better? I try to work each day towards an answer that brings me a certain amount "yes or may be". I eat my fruits and vegetables consciously (broccoli at least once a week) to tell myself I am doing everything right! But who really knows of tomorrow? So in summary, I have become a DOER. Less talk, more action.
So this year, I started doing small charities consciously. The Japan relief fund, ResQ shelter for dogs, an ailing child and so forth. I buy dog food to the two street dogs that dwell outside my sister’s house. Whatever I can manage to do, which I wouldn’t have considered in earlier years. I took my mum out on a vacation in March and recently my grand mum in November classified as my attempts to spend time with my loved ones. So in all these things I was doing, somewhere middle of this year I said “May be I should walk the Pride march someday soon” for a reformed social condition. One of the success philosophy that I have been super impressed with is of Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said blah blah blah and “to leave the world better with a garden patch, a healthy child or a redeemed social condition. To know that one life breathed easier because you lived is to have succeeded.” We as individuals choose the battles we want to fight, not everybody can do everything. So, may be equal rights to the LGBT community is my chosen one. Not like a vehement activist but more like a supporter trying to do whatever best is possible for me to do. Simply walking with a whole lot of people was the simplest thing I could do.
Of the stories I have stated above, I find one striking similarity between all. All of these families were embraced in love. Some married college sweethearts, for some love was arranged. Some of them were mother-earth-reincarnate while some kids were simply outstanding. It was apparent. When love exists, it sends a vibe in space. People can sense it. Marriage to most of them was easy because it came within the conventional norms of society: between a man and a woman.
As kids the only romantic stories we have known are of Snow Whites and Cinderellas with their respective princes. Nobody really tells you that sometimes ‘cinderella’ likes a ‘snow white’. We learnt of Alexander the Great, but not his romantic liaisons with some of the ‘dudes’ in our history text.
But today, if we see around the world there are enough testimonies that attraction is not necessarily a phenomenon between opposite genders. And I really mean see with open eyes. Fairly tales are based on the premise of attraction! Why isn’t Shrek otherwise called a fairy tale? Or is it? Every month across different nations of the world, newspapers run stories: Same sex couple waits to get married in Argentina, or Indian woman delivers a surrogate baby to Israeli gay couple. Netherlands, Belgium, Canada opened up their minds to the institution of “marriage” much earlier. However today even in the western progressive countries, we see couples having spent decades together wait their chance for a legal marriage license! In what world is this equal?
Lets face it, marriage beyond companionship has its collateral perks of financial security. Its partnership to a lot of young couples today who want to have a home of their own (share home loans). A spouse has a particular entitlement in inheritance, insurance, mediclaim among other things. In an emergency situation, one is asked “relationship to the patient?”. A friend and his boyfriend have been together for eight years, longer than some of the modern day marriages even in India. And in a very committed, non-open sort of way. (Not that I judge open relationships, but just saying). God forbid but what happens to a couple that do not have a marriage license and life throws some unpleasant surprises at them? What if a spouse in the same sex couples wants to take a break from work, adopt and raise a baby? What if a couple in love wants to be married and move to another country altogether? Our country has no provisions for same sex couples. Irrespective of what the world may think of George Michael, I saw an episode on Oprah where he discussed of being with his partner during the “sickness” phase of their lives. (His then boyfriend was suffering from HIV). I think its commendable in a relationship to do the entire “in health and in sickness” walk. But not every couple is a pop star with mansions! A lot are mere mortals who work through each day finding happiness like a lot of other mere mortals.
Unfortunately, there is part of the human species that’s challenging the high court verdict with petitions condemning “consensual sex between same sex adults” as an act against nature. Now what on freaking earth is so unnatural about two people wanting to kiss, show affection or experience carnal pleasures? Attraction in its very premise is innate, primitive. It is a phenomenon inspired from within. It is beyond my comprehension why somebody would want to poke in a “moral ethics” code by filing petition of a sexual act that is absolutely irrelevant to them? And more so in their view immoral to the societies that we exist in? What impresses me though, is against all these adversities people stand up for who they are or want to be, who they choose to love and demand they be recognized by law.
That’s where Arvind is making a difference. I mean he and a lot of other lawyers, social workers and counsellors. But he is the one I know closely and therefore he, to me, is the one who is responsible for bringing about a redeemed social condition of equal rights to the LGBT community. I chatted up with him a day before the pride and asked,
“So, Arvind, what are people walking for?”
He laughed and said “Well, now with the petitions the matter is going to the supreme court so there are only discussions around what are the demands of the community but no consensus yet.” He continued to say that some mothers are being very forward and demanding marriage rights for their sons. One mother said "We cant lag behind now. We need to keep at par with what's happening around the world. My son should have the right to be married."
I laughed with a "how fascinating" expression! Now I am aware that not all in the community want to be married or adopt. On a very honest note, I care a damn about what people (irrespective of their sexual orientation) all over the world do in their bedrooms; be that swingers, orgies or BDSM. To each their own and rightly so. However I admire all those who wish to celebrate their love in the form of a marriage; who wish to share their love by starting a family and raise kids!. In the pride march, I bumped into a couple who wanted to adopt a child and another one who wanted to be married!
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| The placard of the couple who wants to get married |
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| The couple that wans to adopt |
In a country that's cursed with female infanticide and is a home to millions of orphans, can we really afford to miss out on an opportunity to provide a loving family? Is there a documented, proven theory that two dads or two mums or single dads can’t raise children or daughters well? There has to be enough opportunity or provision by law for the welfare of the people in the country - that’s all I am saying! I found a recent video on youtube doing the rounds of how lesbian mothers raised a very healthy kid. Please do take the time to watch (inserted above)!
However till India’s laws decide to confer equal rights to the community, the natural course of life will find a way to happy living and legal systems can simply follow suit to approvals of that living (many, many years later). Somewhere in between the extremes of petitions and ‘marriage and adoption’, I have a friend in Arvind who has a large portion of his life invested for LGBT rights, among others. While he stays invested in his work, on a personal note he’s been dating Nicolas for more than two years now. Taking each day as it comes: Loving some, sexing some, sharing some. He probably comes across as somebody who believes in civil unions more than the institution of marriage. There was some talk of adoption by Nicolas during my stay with them but I was too busy engaged elsewhere (now wonders what it was?). Something I know of them as a couple: they shower together every single day! True story. I said to myself "how romantic is that? I would love to shower with somebody everyday." Ok, may be not everyday but I could do with some prolonged bathing over weekends with somebody.
Here’s a picture of them on a vacation to Argentina. When I saw them together this visit, to me they seem as perfect as the picture!
However till India’s laws decide to confer equal rights to the community, the natural course of life will find a way to happy living and legal systems can simply follow suit to approvals of that living (many, many years later). Somewhere in between the extremes of petitions and ‘marriage and adoption’, I have a friend in Arvind who has a large portion of his life invested for LGBT rights, among others. While he stays invested in his work, on a personal note he’s been dating Nicolas for more than two years now. Taking each day as it comes: Loving some, sexing some, sharing some. He probably comes across as somebody who believes in civil unions more than the institution of marriage. There was some talk of adoption by Nicolas during my stay with them but I was too busy engaged elsewhere (now wonders what it was?). Something I know of them as a couple: they shower together every single day! True story. I said to myself "how romantic is that? I would love to shower with somebody everyday." Ok, may be not everyday but I could do with some prolonged bathing over weekends with somebody.
Here’s a picture of them on a vacation to Argentina. When I saw them together this visit, to me they seem as perfect as the picture!
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| Nicolas and Arvind in Argentina |
Recently, I have gathered a pearl of wisdom. Share personal stories. How much ever trivial they may seem, even if they inspire one person to take a step forward for something good: the stories have achieved their purpose.
Personally, the pride parade was standing up for something that is important to my belief systems. It came down to a what if question! What if I kept postponing it until there wasn't a tomorrow I could see - in the midst of all that life throws at you! Although, I believe I will live a very rich and healthy life until I am 77. Find somebody to share the fabulous life that is. Have sex with the 'somebody' till I live. Kids, a big may be. But even if not, * shrugs shoulders with a no harm done expression *. See the world. Swim with the dolphins. And a lot of infinite things. Universe, I hope you are listening! So, I decided to take life in my hands. Fly down to Bangalore and do the thing that I was supposed to do. Bangalore made more sense than Mumbai.
As for the pride, shooting people in their natural course of things was exhilarating; especially when all of them come together with an agenda. I haven’t seen an event as colorful and alive as this one till date. The flag is so apt. From two year olds to 50s, everybody blends into the festive spirit. They dance their hearts out, walk up to strangers, hug, kiss and let their flags fly. The event is a Benetton ad, only a million times better!
Here's a link to more photos:
and a video:
